Hi. It sounds like you are rapidly getting yourself into deep trouble. Like most humans, you are good at rationalizing and denial. It doesn't matter that you weren't trying to committ suicide. The cutting is a symptom of uncontrolled emotional pain. You mentioned some medications in your profile, but if you are taking them like you should and are still having uncontrollable urges to cut or dissociation, it time to call your Dr. or therapist. You may not be on the right medications, or have built a tolerance to the dose level.

Under the circumstances, you might want to consider inpatient therapy for a while. I know that is hard when you have kids and they want to know why, but what happens if you dissociate while they are home and they find you bleeding all over the place? Its not a picture they will ever get out of thier heads. That isn't an attempt at a guilt trip, just a reality check.

Regardless of your choice of weapons, SI is an addictive behavior and you will need help stopping it. Right now you are fixating on the knife. That is analogous to trying to quite taking heroin with heroin in the house. The difference is that you could remove the heroin. You can't remove the knife. Until you can get things under control, every sharp item in the house is a potential threat for you. You need more than just a one a week therapy session, if you won't do it for yourself, please do it for your kids.

Sam2