Thank you for your responses open eyes.

And I do understand that he was victimized and yes, that does make it less confusing as to why it happened and could even be an excuse for why he did it. BUT it in no way shape or form is an excuse for why he continued to do it for so many years. Nor is there an excuse for why he didn't give me a long deserved apology until I confronted him.

My mom was sexually abused as a child by all of her cousins. It breaks my heart to hear about it but she was. When we went to a family reunion I didn't know about all if it. Shortly after the reunion she told me and I was fuming. The thought of being in the same room as those pedophiles made me sick to my stomach and I kept obsessing over going to their homes and confronting them with a baseball bat (I was in highschool at the time, a huge ball of emotions yet somehow managed to never get into a fight). She and I had many debates on her cousins.

She would always give them an excuse "Well they were only doing what was done to them. They were only acting out the only thing that they new" but my response was, always has been and always will be "When you get to a certain age you know right from wrong. They passed that age long ago and once you realize what you have done is wrong there is no more excuses"

At 15 years old he knew it was wrong. At 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 and likely even 9. At 5 years old I knew it was wrong. There is no excuse for him to continue it until he was 15 years old without stopping or seeking help. He didn't want to. He didn't want to stop and only did because he had to.

He got help for it. I didn't! He was sent to therapy at 15 years old to deal with his actions toward me. And there I am 12 years old thankful it's over but crying myself to sleep every night telling myself "It didn't happen, it was only a dream" with no one to talk to because I guess they didn't think I needed therapy for being a victim in the whole mess.

He carried it on for 9 years and 9 years is too long to have any excuses.

And in his email exchange with me a few things went off as alarm bells in my head from the get go.
Him: Yea Ben made me do things.when he taped it
I replied and asked about a camera for Ben to tape it and his response was
Him: Everything stopped when he left
I don't know if there was a camera
But he would watch movies

At first he "taped it" then it was "he would watch movies"

His comment about not sleeping with the lights off anymore is completely false. His room has always been pitch black when he sleeps and even when he's in his room, he uses black lights and such.

If you reread the exchange, he never apologized. He admitted everything that happened to me was wrong but he never once apologized for it.

His brithday was on April 11th and I sent him a short happy birthday but heard nothign from him, to which I was releived.

Then leading up to the wedding he kept contact with my mom about him going to the wedding. I was genuinely concerned he would be there so I appointed a friend of mine to basically be a "bouncer" to make sure he didn't show up. Then on the wedding day all he says is "big problems" to my mom.

I get back from my honeymoon only to get this message from him

Mom Is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there. I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom

"Mom is heartbroken and the rest of the family wont talk to me since i wasnt there."
^ BS. No one is mad at him and they all expected it. He hasn't talked to my mom since he sent that "big problems" text to her and my other brother is still really close to him. The rest of the family didn't care if he was there or not.

I think you should at least help me think of an excuse before i call mom

I should at least help him think of an excuse before he calls our mom? He had PLENTY of time to come up with an excuse to tell her. He had 20 years to apologize to me before the wedding and we could have smoothed things out. I told him countless times in our email exchange to think of an excuse, just because he probably thought I would change my mind does not mean it is my responsibility to excuse him for anything.

I tried to ignore my original doubts about him from the email exchange but when I got his last email it set me off and I am downright pi$$ed. I'm saddened too because I honestly don't feel that we will ever be able to have a relationship at all now. I don't see that as possible and just lost a family member. But I amm OK with that, it is not my fault, he made his decisions and he has to live with them.

Sorry if this is coming off as angry toward you or your post, I in no way mean it that way. It's just any time I think of the email exchanges I get downright furious.