Thanx for the replies and the warm welcomes!! Glad to see I'm not the only one!

I can't afford therapy, there has been plenty of times where I wish I could afford it. I don't work and don't have insurance so finances are pretty tight right now. Everything I have done up to this point as been through baby steps and a variety of personal techniques that I read about and would try. It's all worked and I am a better person because of it all.

This one wall is causing me tons of issues and it appears that I built it pretty strong. I go back to the situation that caused me to officially close down, brings back all those emotions, fears, regret, everything and anything that happened at that time. I have been picking at it for quite sometime now. I do believe I am getting closer to cracking this wall. I just don't know how to give the sledge hammer the swing it needs.... I don't know if I'm afraid of what i'll find subconsciously, or if its something else.

I am ready to deal with whatever does come from behind that wall. lol I've even tried to picture myself opening that door, breaking the wall down, but in the end, something seems to always stop me. I have accepted everything that happened, I've burned the past, burned bridges, pictures, journals, letters...... I forgave all the fools (mentally) that hurt me.... even forgave myself for everything except for one thing. I know that one thing is holding me back and I want to be able to forgive myself for it...... I just don't know how.....

Yet, the more I dig deeper into that situation.... I have come to realize just how alone I truly was back then. Not one person was there for me to ask the why's, to tell me things will be ok, to stop the bad thoughts that were running in my head. Not one shoulder to cry on, not one ear to hear my side... With this new realization, it makes forgiving myself even harder. I was made out to be the bad guy when in reality I just fell for someone else lies, I went along with those lies. I did things because I was scared of being alone..... yet..... I still ended up alone.

I've held onto that guilt all these years, have blamed myself for certain things... I have tried to forgive myself, people have forgiven me, some people tell me it wasn't my fault... just young and stupid.... and yet... I knew full well of what I was doing, I did it on my own free will despite what my gut and head was yelling.. I don't know how to burn that bridge, let go of the blame and regrets that I have put on myself. It is the biggest thing that is holding me back and I know it is.

It has made me fearful of falling into something similar, fearful of history repeating itself. Knowing what kind of person I used to be, what kind of lies I told, the people I hurt, the kind of people that hurt me as well.. I have changed big time since then, I have a new circle of friends in my life, a man that loves me.. So why am I still fearful of the past? I've learned my lessons, turned away from that path.... Despite everything, the fear and regrets are still haunting me.

This is the wall I need to break down.... the blame and regret, not being able to forgive myself. Fear of the past biting me again when I least expect it..

Tkazzy ~