Today i feel a little better than yesterday. I just have this lingering guilt that just wont leave me. My husband has been talking but nothing really substantial. Last night I watched a basketball game with my son, which i never do, and had some popcorn with him. My daughter fell asleep on my lap and that was it for the night. It was nice to have that time. Since I have been sick, I havent been able to spend a lot of time with them. I missed several months being involved in their lives. I was always the one to do everything for them, then I was bed ridden. But things are turning up.
I have some guilt from that as well. Mostly now I have guilt that I am being a horrible person by not contacting my mother. I keep thinking about how depressed she normally is because she too is alone. I was the only one there for her. I know she is in her early seventies but she has health issues as well and the thought of something happening to her and us not speaking makes me feel terrible. I mean, I would have regret forever i imagine. I might be overreacting a bit. I dont know.
I saw my dad earlier, and he was very concerned about what was going on with the last doctor visits. I explained everything to him. I actually emailed him last evening and he mentioned he told my mom this morning about it all. I didnt even ask how she is or anything. I guess for now Im leaving everything in her court. Hopefully, she will come to my daughters recital this weekend. At least that would show me she actually has a caring bone in her body. I just dont know how to behave with her anymore. This is so foreign to me by not calling or stopping at her house to fix things. I have never done this. I hope it works.
It's very depressing that my only friends are in my family. I just want a healthy relationship with them. I havent met anyone that I can relate to. I mean, I have kids, and a husband, and an ex wife and stepkids I deal with. A lot of times the people I talk to have no understanding about any of it. They have been more into themselves and where their next vacation will be.
Bonnie, I am not sure how to send messages. I will try and figure it out now.