Welcome to PC, tkazzy.
I too have had to work my butt off to let people in. And even then, even though I have amazing people in my life right now whom I can communicate openly with, who don't judge me, who I can express anything to and know that I will be not only unjudged but also supported and held,
I have been honest with my partner (now my fiancee) that although I love her deeply and trust her, I am still unable to fully let her in. She's there for my emotional processes and stuff, but on a certain level I constantly expect to be rejected or abandoned. I suspect that, since this stems from childhood neglect and abuse, it's going to take years to unravel. I have hope that I can do it. I don't want to give up because I've come so far already and I'm so tired of being 'alone'.
I wish you well on your journey, I hope to see you around the forums, and if you ever need anyone to talk to who can relate, feel free to PM me.