I have begun the painstaking task of sharing some very traumatic and deeply guarded secrets in therapy. To say its been a journey to get to a place where I trust my T and finally let someone in to my inner world is an understatement. I am still guarding them and speaking in general terms, but even that, in my world, is a huge leap. In fact, it feels like it could be the most damaging or healing experience for me...but my stories are surfacing, and have cost me so much in terms of how I live my life.

TRIGGER WARNING




I left my last session feeling safe and opened up a little more about a particular event. Later that day I was overwhelmed, like drop to your feet panic, with dread and fear that the person I was telling on was right there and was going to hurt me for what I said. In my head I began to think..."I didn't tell too much...I didn't tell too much..." I was terrified even though I am most certainly not under any threat from this person ....(I even said to myself, Precious, get a grip do you really think they were listening to you in therapy?). But as much as I can rationalize all the reasons why I am safe and T and I have talks about how safe it is there...the fear is real. The panic and dread is real and it's been with me all week. I see my T again soon and of course, we will talk about it. But for the moment, I just need some safe energy. This will pass, right?