BP, I don't know if this is what you mean or not, but I used to do the same thing with my T and texts. I'd send a text, feel guilty and ashamed, then text her again and say never mind, don't worry about reading it, etc. Or I'd tell her not to respond when I really needed her to. I was doing it because I felt shame and fear and like I was a burden to her, but she actually told me one day that it was harder for get when I did that than if I just told her the truth, that I did need a response or whatever. When I reached out and was obviously struggling, then said I was fine never mind, she didn't know whether to respond or not. She said it felt like a game and did feel a little manipulative, but that she knew thats not what I was trying to do and she totally understood why I was doing it...not to be manipulative, but because I really did need help but couldn't deal with the feelings after I reached out. I don't know if thats similar to what you mean or not. If not just tell me to be quiet. If it is though, it's ok...don't beat yourself up. It gets easier to reach out the more you do it. And I'm sure your T understands too.