Today I have felt really low, I had a dream that might have impacted my mood from the very start although I've tried to let it go and relax. It was a dream where I was swamped by one of my more destructive intrusive thoughts that contributes to a lot of negative stress I experience.

I have been withdrawn, but confident. I feel 'tired', and 'done with b.s.'. I don't want to have to answer to anyone about how I am doing, and hear their critiques about how I should be doing or thinking differently if I truly don't like the place I am in. As much as the critiques are true, they don't always come to me in a way I feel I can incorporate it. Usually it comes to me when I'm already defensive or worn out and it just sounds like criticism even though it's genuine concern and advice.

I'm writing right now to get that out because I keep feeling like I need to engage in one of my self-destructive behaviors just to let off this stress I am feeling. I need to do homework but along with feeling unenthusiastic today, I feel entirely unenthusiastic about my homework. So I'm trying to vent and look for positive encouragement just so I can get past this. I need to think "I can do this!" not "This is difficult" or "I don't care right now" or "If I do [destructive behavior here] then I'll be able to focus on my work instead of fantasizing about the destructive behavior". I'm tired of relapsing on these bad behaviors, and I have a therapist but we're still building trust, communication, and an environmental understanding... It's been 4 months and the only thing I can say we've accomplished is having a communication base... I don't know about digging up family dynamic, even if that shaped my understanding of the world, I'd just rather focus on how to change it instead of what it has been. I'm also moving in the next few months and will probably have to quit therapy because I'll be 6 hrs away.

So this is venting, and a little info... I'm not sure how to get the energy and mindset I need, and it feels like all of the old tricks (breathing, music) aren't working.