Rts - i think i would have started with the "well??!" to the h, otherwise you sounded more like you were lecturing a kid on manners. Is that an issue between you and h, that he's like a 3rd kid? That's not a happy situation for either of you, and I can see how you would both feel stuck in the role, blame the other person, and feel powerless to change it. But maybe it's a discrete separate problem you can work on together.