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granite1 · May 03, 2013, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

hey everyone.

I am going to be pathetic. I am sitting here crying at 7:30 in the morning. I am alone today, and my thoughts are really bad. I went into Southie yesterday, and walked around my old neighborhood that I haven't been to since dad died 12 yrs ago. I avoid that place. I went to the graveyard, and even went in, but the caretaker's office was closed and I couldn't get exact directions to his grave. I have an overwhelming fear of graveyards, so just going in was huge. There was no way I could walk around and find his stone. So I left. I dissociated most of the way home, drank several wiki-tini's and went to bed. Nightmares all night. Right now I hate myself. I feel gross, ugly, stupid. I feel like scum of the earth. And my urges to si are taking over. I haven't si'd in over a year. To make matters worse, i just realized it's my birthday. Daughter is away, H and son left for work before I got up. So I am alone, hurting, feeling very old. My brain is scrambled and I am hearing things I shouldn't be hearing. Feeling very very alone.

wiki you are none of those things at all. i think you did an awsome thing going to southie if it had all those feelings attached to it. it was so much more then just going on a field trip. Yes it is ok to call TT if you need to. it would be ok (just putting that out there for you) wiki after all you have been through and having to be strong and positive and hold it together to fight this cancer i am surprised you are not a bigger mess. you know all these emotional issues did not go away as you were dealing with the cancer . maybe put on a shelf but not gone. it isn't any surprise that they are surfacing again to me . i think going on this trip yesterday brought all that back.i dont think going was a bad thing .i just wish that the feelings it brings up were not so strong. wiki horrible things happened to you and as much as you try to ignore them the memories will always be there (I know now i sound like my T) i'm sorry they are messing with your head. you don't deserve that .i wish that you could feel ok about contacting TT about it . if she isn't going to be able to be your T for whatever reason i hope at some point you will be able to look for another one.