Nothing you think or feel should be unhelpful to you. We cannot control what we think and feel and that is a good thing! All we can control is our actions but we should be basing those actions 100% on what we think and feel.

It sounds like you have things a little backwards, trying to control what you think and feel and, when that fails, fearing a meltdown or explosion.

If you are confused, you have to ask questions! That is what confusion is for! Tell your T you have noticed she does not reply to your emails anymore and that confuses you, you are wondering if it is your fault/something you have done wrong, etc. Tell her you do not really mind, one way or the other, but the change itself without knowing the reason, makes you anxious.

We cannot predict or interpret other people's behavior without talking to that person. If we are intimate with them (know/relate/are in conversation with them, like in therapy) we can ask what's going on (it should not concern us what random strangers or acquaintances are doing, that's not our business and if we're anxious about what they're doing, that's a whole 'nother problem), sharing our own concerns or interests so it does not sound like we are grilling them or "aggressive" as you put it.

When we ask another person about their behavior, it is "polite" to let them know where we are/why we are asking since we're only in charge of our own behavior, not anyone else's. But we should make it clear to them that we are not asking for them to change their behavior, we're just trying to understand it so we do not feel so anxious about that specific behavior in the future. Discussion is how we learn; we can then think something like, "Well, last month when she quit emailing me back she said it was so we could talk in more detail about my emailing during sessions so maybe this new change has something to do with that" and then you look at the new change in that light to see if it might fit and/or you ask, "this new change. . . what are we doing with it?" and have a discussion about the change or the fact that it seems every change is anxiety provoking (so talk about anxiety rather than change).

It's only what we talk about with another/our therapist that can help us; otherwise we end up just spinning our own wheels in our head and not getting anywhere.