first off--not depressed.
I'm active, have a relatively high self-esteem, creative etc

but I have to be alone virtually all the time.

it's like the moment someone interrupts my alone time, or if just the idea that I might not get to be isolated at my accord comes into play I stop being peaceful almost instantly. I get angry to the point of having homicidal thoughts towards the one(s) who interrupted me. I start hypervantilating, crying, hitting myself on some occasions, having a panic attack.

Sometimes I will be alone in my room but even if a door in another room is opened or shut, or if I hear people messing with dishes in the kitchen I get paranoid and secretive. I have terrible noise anxiety that came about less than a year ago.

I am also unable to keep up a conversation for long. Small talk is difficult and extremely uncomfortable for me. Yet I think highly of myself. I don't understand why people make me so uncomfortable and anxious. I didn't used to be this way. Seemed to progress each year gradually since high school. When people interrupt my isolation I automatically believe they are doing it on purpose sadistically/malevolently. I view them as fiends getting in the way of my happiness on purpose. I genuinely only enjoy things to the full capacity if I am enjoying them alone. I am in a personal paradise when I am alone. It's like being snatched out of it and thrown into a cage when I am forced to be in someone's presence. I think even if I were invisible, like a ghost, I still wouldn't be able to function around people because I'd still be able to see and here them.

I'm not sure if this is schizoid though or just ****ed up because I do have a strong libido and I do have interests and I can become infatuated with someone. I simply can live without them and would prefer to live alone. The only way I could see myself in a relationship is if the person was very much like me in way of thinking and if I could be isolated from them at the snap of a finger.

My discomfort around people makes me very domineering and hostile. It is preventing me from functioning in the world, and is turning my parents against me, which is bad because I am still financially dependent, though not their legal responsibility anymore.