hey everyone.

I am going to be pathetic. I am sitting here crying at 7:30 in the morning. I am alone today, and my thoughts are really bad. I went into Southie yesterday, and walked around my old neighborhood that I haven't been to since dad died 12 yrs ago. I avoid that place. I went to the graveyard, and even went in, but the caretaker's office was closed and I couldn't get exact directions to his grave. I have an overwhelming fear of graveyards, so just going in was huge. There was no way I could walk around and find his stone. So I left. I dissociated most of the way home, drank several wiki-tini's and went to bed. Nightmares all night. Right now I hate myself. I feel gross, ugly, stupid. I feel like scum of the earth. And my urges to si are taking over. I haven't si'd in over a year. To make matters worse, i just realized it's my birthday. Daughter is away, H and son left for work before I got up. So I am alone, hurting, feeling very old. My brain is scrambled and I am hearing things I shouldn't be hearing. Feeling very very alone.