I have a lot of anger towards my mom and brother. It's really sad actually because I've just denied it for so long, or rather knew about it but disciplined myself not to effect the relationships I had with them. I was treated like crap but turned the other cheek so to speak. I mean I wasn't treated horribly, but I was left out, and forgotten when my brother was around. Sort of what is happening now. When he wasn't around I was expected no matter what to be there, if I wasn't I was given guilt and manipulated to do so.
I just feel angry. I wish I could just scream. The fact that she is probably taking ill about my husband and me to my brother is making me crazy.
I was thinking about this one time on her wedding anniversary the year before I was married. I lived at home until I married my husband, and my soon to be husband had sent me flowers to test out a particular florist that we were thinking of using on our wedding day, the same day as my parents anniversary. Well you can imagine how my mom felt when she saw the flowers were sent to me and they were not sent to her by my dad. Omg, it was awful. First of all she laced into my dad for not doing anything for years for her, then she canceled her dinner plans witch she was including me and my husband to go along. Then when my husband had come over that night he saw her and tried to say that he didn't think at the moment and he was just trying to test the florist out, we'll she just walked by him put her hand up and said just leave me alone, I don't want to talk now. Went into her bedroom for the night.
I was humiliated. I was totally embarrassed. I thought , great this guy is going to drop me and never want to get invloved with my dysfunctional family again. I tried to make dinner that night because i felt so bad for my dad, and my mom came out of her room and basically shut down the kitchen saying not to cook.She didn't talk to us for a couple of
days. Pathetic right? So I remember things like this and it makes me so upset. I of course was making excuses for her behavior left and right. It was ridiculous.
Even planning my wedding, oh good god. All I wanted was to get married I didn't even care about the things that was supposed to be the brides side responsibility or the grooms. I could care less. If it was up to me I would have eloped, or just had my family at a beautiful location. But no, it had to be done a certain way and it was her way. Even who was invited. Ugh...I went along with everything. It was real tough at times because my husband and I paid for a lot but she likes to take control of everything. She paid for the flowers and venue but my dad didn't know what was going on.
There has always been negativity. It's like she almost has nothing to talk about unless there is something bad going on. Who acts like this? I'm embarrassed that my mom does. I mean, at times I think about how lucky people are that have parents that would love to spend time with their grandchildren, and beg to take them out for a movie or an ice cream, or just have them come over. Sure my mom would watch my kids if I asked, but she's not the type to put my daughter in a tub, or feed them dinner if I went out. I always had to prepare everything ahead of time, and feed them, or get take out for them before I went. Oh god, if she was going out and dressed god forbid she had to cook for someone while she was getting ready. Seriously. I know is all sounds ridiculous. I'm just in a slump right now. I just wish things were different. I wish she would be happy for me in my life. You know there were things that my husband did for me over the years or things he took care of and I never told her because I kind of felt like she would be jealous. I felt guilty about that even then, but I really wanted her to share things with me that made me happy. I just didn't want static from her.
We found out today that our car is gone from the damage it had yesterday. So basically we are screwed. The sick part is, I was thinking if my mom knows, which I'm sure she does since I told my dad, maybe she would be happy. Maybe she would think, oh good, what goes around comes around, and I'm glad he (for my husband) is getting it. Who knows, I could be wrong, but I can tell you that my brother definitely would be happy. He would love to hear bad news about me. I'm sure of it.
I had a fortune cookie from my lunch yesterday. I opened it and it said something like, today is the day you need to forgive that person. I saved it. I don't know. I want so badly to have my parents in our lives for all the good things that I want to share, even the bad that may arise from my health. I want them around. I don't know if the damage is even fixable now with my mom and husband. I keep thinking about that fortune cookie and I am trying in my own way, deep down to forgive her for everything, things from now, and things that she doesn't even know about so I can move on. I am trying. I just don't know how to do it.