Goodness me. I won't say what I think of your mum's behaviour.

But I will say that what is the point in beating yourself up for all the things that she has done? You can wait and wait and wait to hear what you want to hear from your mother, but it will never happen. Your description and your history with your mother surely shows you this?
So what does that leave you? To get on with your own life, make it as happy as you can, and not worry about her. Or spend the next however long feeling guilty, unhappy and ruining your own life. Because that's what it amounts to. You know the things she has done wrong and how she makes you feel. If you keep letting her drag you down then you are the one responsible. Hard I know.