You're all seem so aware and understand what happened. The issue seems to be control, enhancing their ego and demeaning you. And sometimes it's done so subtly, it's hard to figure out what's happening until you've been pretty hurt, At first, it can even seem like you're the person with the problem. The trouble is that often the victimizer can be so proper, polite, articulate, reasonable, soft spoken, especially around others. They play the social game extraordinarily well. In public they are the sane one, and if you don't go along you are crazy.

You're hurt, scared, tired, confused, out of control, loud, interrupting, desperate, fast speaking, driven, sometimes even as if you're bouncing off walls, stumbling for the best way to say something - that's where you've been driven. In the that condition it's hard to be proper, polite, articulate, reasonable, soft spoken.

How do you fight politeness - the outward appearance of reasonableness and sanity? How do you explain to other people? How do you get help? Others aren't involved so not listening, and they don't know the rest of the story and often don't think it matters. If you're impolite, or raise your voice or get angry - you're wrong. Even police can be sidetracked. How often is there a hysterical, perhaps dirty, beaten victim; the victimizer is moderately clean, well-dressed, soft spoken, polite, makes great eye contact. Who gets the greatest hearing. Our cultural tends to consider abusers loud, rude, profane, clean, out of control.

Phrases I have seen alot and are very hard to fight are - "you're not being reasonable", "be reasonable", "let's sit down and discuss it", "let's sit down and discuss it". They appeal to the sane person, and the abuser usually has just enough facts to make you listen. Then - well who wants to be unreasonable, but, somehow you're never the person who benefits from these reasons. Funny thing about that.

What gets me is that even after being free of abusers, there are so many situations where soneone has a personal agenda. The abusive behaviors are much less wild, so polite, but so determined. Unfortunately I trigger; I don't respond logically, only desperately defenfensively. How do I handle this? I'd love some advice.