I have always thought to myself when my mom or even my brother were driving me crazy or just simply acting like children, that this is just the way they are. I either accept it that its inherent in them and deal with it, or I just distance myself. I of course accepted everything. I always have and I know if there is a relationship in the future I always will.
The thing is, I think I am at the boling point of being so fed up after all these years.
I mean I'm finally able to discuss her without feeling guilty that I'm doing something wrong. It sounds so silly I know. I know how much I want her around, but I am afraid of how things will be. I'm sure she is still stewing and saying bad things especially about my husband. I don't want her around if she is going to be the baby anymore. I'm sure if she ever got me alone she would say horrible things about my husband and the nerve of him speaking to her in that fashion, blah.. Blah.. But yet, she never looks at herself. Always thinks she is right and is just plain mean sometimes. The more I start thinking about everything the more I resent her. I am trying to be the better person here and just try and forget about things, but its hard. I think because I'm realizing she has just used me for all the good times. Where is she now? Especially knowing I am so ill. She has no sympathy but only feels bad for herself. She always used the excuse of " I have a heart condition and I can't get upset and your making me upset" really? I mean she is overweight, doesn't care to take care of herself and just uses excuses. I'm sick of it. She's always feeling so sorry for herself. Ugh...
I know Mother's Day is coming up. This will be the first one in all the years I have been living that I do not see her. I have always come home early or if away or on vacation to see her. I bought her something, so I guess I will just pass it on to my dad on Friday to bring home to her. I don't know if she will accept it. She could be nasty that way, but I'll do the right thing and not ignore the day. It's just I feel like I'm in a mental prison thinking about everything she has done to me. The funny thing is she would deny it or say I was crazy and needed help if she ever knew what I was feeling.