Someone asked me in another thread what I meant by shared values, and rather than hijack that thread, I thought I'd start a new one. I had written:

>> Interests are supposed to provide a comfortable context in which to get to know someone. [My husband and I] share values and recreational activities and we don't want kids. Shared values with someone in your appropriate age bracket is what you should be looking for. Compatibility. What are the ingredients of compatibility? Values are what a life is based on. Get to know yours and those of other people. This takes time.

She wrote:
> I'm not really sure what shared values are? Do you mean like being nice to people, wanting people to be genuine and that kind of thing? I think that probably is what you mean, but I just want to check as I could also do with some information on how to connect with people and build relationships. Thanks.

One starting point for looking at values is Marshall Rosenberg's list of needs:

Needs Inventory | The Center for Nonviolent Communication

The things you consider the essential and critical needs are high values. I value nonviolent communication, something Rosenberg specializes in. Being nice or genuine could be values, but I think "nice" is a bit vague. There must be many different ways to define what is valuable or important to people. But as you get closer to someone, it seems that you have to be on the same page or at least be able to respect the other person's values and how they live them. Lip service does not count.

Does that make sense? It relates to compatibility, because I find one of the problems I have had with people is they do not share my values, nor I theirs. So there is little common ground. Rosenberg's background is in negotiating. For me, being to speak openly, be gentle and genuine, admit when you are wrong, and try to understand and handle emotions well are all critical aspects of communication. I'm less comfortable dealing with people who are not like that, to the point where I wouldn't want to be their close friend. Just an example for a critical value for me - communication. (Someone else may value different aspects of communication.)

Does that make sense? So this means getting to know yourself which helps you get to know others - at a deep level. I can get along with most people, and I can understand what depths are possible or not, too. I can experiment, check out my feelings, and the other person's behavior, and see if my understanding is validated.