Hello everyone.

I have been reading stuff on this website since I started my own therapy which was a year ago, but now, after I have quit my personal therapy, I decided to share my feelings and thoughts here, and I suppose, I am replacing this forum with my T since I don't have my weekly sessions and the diary doesn't help as much lately...

I feel angry. That's it. I want to blame my therapy for what has happened during this year and I feel that I could have done more but it never went in the direction I wanted it to go. I have benefited from it but not in a way I was hoping I would. I have trust issues and I know it takes time and all that but I think it was taking too long. So I decided to quit. Well... I am taking a long break. I will go back in three months but not to the same therapist.

I have shared all my deepest secrets with her and I find it very difficult to trust anyone but it never went anywhere. There was a session where I had my first ever panic attack and it really scared me and I was confused, then the session was over, I came back next week, asked her what was that and she just asked me: "What do you think it was?" - I replied: "reliving" she nodded and we never spoke about it again. I had a feeling she was avoiding the whole conversation when I was ready to go further and talk about it. We never spoke about it ever again. That just completely shut me down and I could never open up to her again.

Then I told her (actually wrote to her) about the rest of stuff and that's it, we never spoke about it ever again. All we ever concentrated on was my relationships with my parents and my boyfriend. I wanted to work on my trauma but it never happened. I felt like she was avoiding it whenever I was trying to talk about it. She did mention that I need to trust her first and then we can go deeper and maybe that's why but still, I am very frustrated.

I could add so much more but in general I am very angry with my therapy and the outcome and I feel like I have wasted a lot of time, and I did try to do the work but felt like my T wasn't doing her best...

Also, she was a trainee and didn't have much experience but she could have just advised me to see a more experienced therapist if she couldn't help me herself. She never did and that's why I stayed with her for this long.

I did see many things in therapy that I didn't like but I always explained it with transference and "my own thing" and I tried to believe that she was being professional but I should have trusted my instincts and change the therapist way earlier....