My husband and I married after 8 years of being friends, and we had a lot of together. The day we were married, he told me he had a son with his exgirlfriend. WHAT?? Yeah, it turns out he was trying to be funny and it was a cat they had when they were dating and they called it their son. Later that night, he answered the phone when she called him. She just found out he was engaged. So since day one, it immediately felt like I was no longer number one to him.

I thought I was going to plan the reception (we eloped and did a reception later), since I was the bride. He seemed to have no interest in that stuff before. I wanted black napkins, he refused to have anything black. Okay. But it was the way he said it. It was a command. So now I felt like I was in a power/control relationship. It was easier to not talk. He couldn't turn anything I said into something negative then or tell me how it was wrong or could be improved. There would be less arguing. It chipped away at me every day. I loved it when he left the house, so I could just relax.

He said he had cats growing up. I'm not an animal lover. I get uncomfortable around animals in my environment. Outside, okay, but inside...I'm a bit OCD with anxiety and can't trust them to not destroy something or attack me. But I loved my husband enough to try having a cat in the house...as long as he helped me with it. I helped him in the beginning by changing the litter box (gloves, mask, immediately into its own trash bag, clean the litter box with 401, and add new litter). Then I noticed my husband rarely thanked me...as if he didn't notice. I mentioned this and he told me to just tell him to change it and he would. This caused more frustration in a new marriage for me because I married him to be his wife not his mother. So I was curious if he'd change it on his own, and I kept track how long it took for him to do it. It was over 30 days! I changed it and told him about it later. He didn't believe me that it was that long. WOW! Now I changed it because it was really bad. His version of changing the litter box: take litter box to the trash can we take to the curb WITHOUT a liner and dump it straight into the trash can. I was horrified the first time I saw that and explained to him how he should be respectful to the person who has the job to pick that up every Friday. He didn't understand.

I later made him get rid of his cat because he wouldn't help. He never vacuumed, dusted, changed the litter box regularly, helped keep the cat quiet in the mornings. It started to meow when he left while I was trying to sleep (different shifts). It was driving me crazy, and I couldn't get back to sleep in the morning from the meowing or stay asleep at night when it was bouncing around the room or staring at me when I slightly woke up.

He failed to tell his family any of this but did tell them I made him get rid of his cat. So they started out hating me for that reason. After that, my husband seemed to resent me quite a bit. I tried to ignore that and did feel bad I made him get rid of his cat. I tried avoiding anything cat-related so it wouldn't remind him. He thought it was because I hated cats. He wouldn't change his mind when I told him that the reason was for his benefit.

Then he started talking to his ex-girlfriend a lot more. He was helping plan her reception when we were planning ours. That was fine, but he seemed to be talking to her every time I came home from work. I asked him to dial it back and not talk to her as much. He talked to her more. I asked him to at least not talk to her on our honeymoon. He agreed. The last day of the trip, he was texting her. "What are you doing?!" He told me, "What? You said not to talk to her; you didn't say anything about texting." I was very upset and felt this marriage wasn't going to work. He was just walking all over me and didn't care about my feelings at all. Everything had to be his way or he'd pout.

I made him stop communicating with his ex a few months after that when he kept up with the entirely too frequent communication. Again, he told his family I made him stop talking to his friend without any of my reasonable requests before that. So I look like the crazy, jealous person to his family who is stripping away who he is and making him unhappy.

I found out later he lied about not talking to her. He had been lying about that for a year and a half. I found out, asked him about it, he lied again, then I told him we may have to get divorced. That's what I told him would happen. I haven't been able to trust him ever since. And that is part of why we are getting divorced now. I want to trust him, but he keeps lying.

He filed for divorce last month. So I've been evaluating our marriage, and someone suggested aspergers. My ignorance of this occurred from assuming it was like the character, Jerry, on Boston Legal. So I shrugged it off at first, but looked it up recently. I'm in shock! I feel kinda bad too! He HAS been telling me the truth. I've spent 5 years trying to figure out why we couldn't communicate effectively and would argue over everything. He didn't understand why I looked miserable at all of his family's holidays. I wasn't really miserable. I had fun, but I was always wondering why he seemed so happy and respectful with them but not with me. He also would give me a hard time about 3 minutes late leaving the house or if I had to stay late for an emergency at work...causing me to be late leaving when I did get home. He'd give me a hard time about that in the car ride over and just snap out of it when we got to his family's house. I did not snap out of it. It was as if he never treated me poorly and felt no need to apologize for it.

I've tried explaining these little things to his family because he wanted me to let them know I was sorry for looking miserable and try to change myself. They didn't understand either and, yet again, I was the problem. This was making me feel even crazier than what he had already caused and my birth control. The side effects of hormonal injections combined with a husband with undiagnosed asperger's...I probably did sound and act crazy. Who wouldn't??

Anyway, I now know he has asperger's based on my observations. He also has bipolar disorder, ADHD, heart condition, high blood pressure, etc. There is more to add but not related. So I thought I was dealing with bipolar disorder, but it's not. I asked his doctor about a specific scenario and he said it wasn't bipolar. I think he assumed it was being a jerk, and I was being codependent.

I can't believe I'm just now putting the puzzle together. I am the only one that has solved it too! Not even his own parents, his doctors, his friends, him...NO ONE knows. So I haven't acted the best over the years in reaction to him. (Not all is asperger's...so much more, but 85% of the actual arguing is from this) I also kept telling him that my actions are reactions to HIS actions. He disagrees with this being a solution: he has to behave for me to behave.
That's how he sees it. I try to stay calm, but again birth control with undiagnosed asperger's is going to make anyone react not-so-well.

I would have acted so differently and he would too had we known this earlier. He has a no contact order on me now, so I can't try talking to him. After discovering this, I don't know if I should try with him again. He's put my family through hell by having me arrested and lying to the cops. I'm still dealing with that now. And everyone I've talked to says he's railroaded me. He did all of this behind my back and the cops never even spoke with me to get my side.
He thinks I've put his family through hell because I haven't been super fun at the holidays and they've only seen him become more miserable. (Because I yelled at him for being disrespectful to me and his power/control issues and made him get rid of his cat and friend/exgirlfriend.)

He's had sex with someone else already. Within 2 weeks of filing, but I'm pretty sure it was 2 days. He broke into my car and stole my laptop. He returned it to me via court order, but he's completely messed it up. He deleted my web history (with some school work I didn't save), pictures of the girls he was talking to inappropriately (he'd the type to have them at the house and say they were someone else), hidden all of my pictures, deleted some pictures of the thumb he broke 3 years ago, re-directed web browsers and other shortcuts. There's probably more, but I turned it off before he could remote into it and mess with it some more.

The thumb...He restrained me in the bedroom during an argument over the level of cleanliness he required for the spare bathroom (it still smelled of litter after the cat removal, so I just shut the door). I tried to get out of the bedroom. He bent my thumb back too far and it broke or sprained really, really bad. It required a molding for 6 weeks and physical therapy for a few months after that. It still hurts to this day if I text too much, play video games, type too long, or my normal position when driving. I did not turn him into the police nor have him arrested. He's not even remorseful about this or shows any empathy.

For the last year, he worked at a job he hated. When he came home, I wasn't allowed to talk to him. He needed his de-stressing time for an hour or two. But he sat on the couch in the living room where I was. So now I felt this uncomfortable tension. I wanted to make a comment about the tv show we were watching, but I couldn't. When I slipped and did say something because IT'S NATURAL, he would get really upset, yell at me, and start the clock again on "quiet time." My solution that was unreasonable at the time: go upstairs when you get home and come down when you feel better.

Okay, those are some of the highlights of the more intense arguments that have worn us down. Knowing it's asperger's now, I think we could actually work. Yes, we have some horrible things in our history, but I could put that in the past if he stops talking to these inappropriate girls and chooses to try cognitive/behavioral therapy.

But I can't talk to him. We are still married, and I love him so much. I can't believe he's done some of these really awful things to me, as if he's trying to ruin my life in every aspect...not just emotionally now. I read that it's a business transaction for an Aspie.

I quit my job to go back to school. He tells me 2 months after that, we should get divorced. That was also the day I returned from the brother-in-law's funeral. Then he has an emotional affair with a coworker. He gets fired for his attitude and questioning the boss. He calls the cops on me at his mom's christmas because I asked him if he still had a desire to talk to that coworker. I am serious about that. It was ridiculous. He also brought that up in front of everyone by asking me to apologize or leave. I didn't know what he wanted me to apologize for. Apparently, it was because I stayed in another room until I stopped crying. He got pissed off I asked him that question, wouldn't answer, and left me in the room knowing it was hurting me when he talked to her. THAT to him was me involving his family. I was in the other room. Nothing was public until he came in the living room and called me out in front of everyone.

So he's divorcing me knowing I have no job, he's caused me to possibly fail out of school, put me on a cellphone contract that costs $50 more a month vs the old plan I had (only switched for him), messed up my laptop, had me arrested and now facing a felony charge (he lied and said I prevented him from leaving the room), forced me to pay thousands of dollars on attorneys, kicked me out of the house via the no contact order, have major credit card debt in my name from OUR purchases, not giving me ANY money, etc.

Hell, we paid nearly $2000 on nice tires in november for his new car that we bought May of last year, got him a new phone with a dock to use in the car, put $9000 of the car purchase on my credit card with lower interest rate as long as it was paid off in a year...that's now my debt according to the law. He's really screwed me over...not to mention he's already had sex and has other girls lined up. I really hope none of that is in our house and on our bed. Oh, we bought a sleep number bed last year too because our backs were hurting and we thought it'd be a nice long-lasting investment. If we do get divorced, he's getting that hit on his side now.

Now...opinions from those who know the difficulties for an NT with an undiagnosed Aspie? Do you think he could trust me again? I also read that if an aspie learns to lie, they don't stop. And once they don't trust someone, they never trust that person again. I really think he's the one. We just never learned to communicate with one another. Which makes sense now why we haven't been able to figure it out after all these years. I know the reason now but he doesn't know yet. If he admits he has this and gets help, do you think we could/should have a happy marriage? I plan to take classes on my end to better understand too.

I'm not sure if there's too much bad history to go back to happy for us.

Reminder: he's the one divorcing me because of my capacity to yell so much at him, go through his accounts, email the excoworker to please move on because we're working on us, look miserable at the holidays, not enjoy trips, not seem happy with him at home, not want to go out or do new things, etc.
Knowing it's asperger's changes everything. We can find a solution now and both of us not be miserable from not being able to communicate with the other.