I'm having a hard time since my session. I tried explaining it to my H today. He understands somewhat. I'm feeling totally sad rather than angry now. I know I have to take care of the child parts by myself, but I have to still tell my T how I feel.

I was remembering how it felt to hold her hand. It was skin to skin contact, like mother and baby. The urge to be a baby with her came into my mind today and gave me a headache. I wanted her to be holding me and maybe breastfeeding me. I think that's why holding her hand felt so wonderful. It was a taste of what I missed. I held my H's hand but it wasn't the same. It's been a month or two since my T let me hold her hand. We still hug but it's not the same. Something deep inside was satisfied by that touching of our hands. Maybe it was simply the connection and not to do with mother and baby, but that's the image that comes to my mind.

I know it appears like I'm regressing, but I think this is the work of facing the void inside. After I thought about those baby/mother images and holding T's hand, I held my own hands together and hugged myself like she's had me do sometimes in my session. I'm grieving for what I can't have, and letting myself feel it fully. Tomorrow I have more adult things to do so will try to put these feelings away until my session. I wanted to write it out so I don't think I made up these feelings. I feel kind of yucky about those strong feelings and posting this. I never thought so much would get stirred up from seeing my T talking and laughing on her phone! I just have to get it out and then I will be okay.