Perhaps you should be posting about your marriage in the BPD forum. I have seen other posts from you in that forum. As a person with BPD as well (or someone with strong BPD tendencies, if you prefer to look at it that way), I can assure you that we often have difficulty in regulating our emotions and figuring out what the "right thing" to do is. A very common effect leads to difficulty managing relationships. Those few relationships that we do have are very rocky.

We can sometimes hold those intense fears down inside of ourselves and use tools to help us get through the moments. A lot of times, we blow up ~ internally and externally. How we let ourselves react emotionally really complicates life. Finding some peace and solace to hold onto in times of desperation, to get ourselves more balanced is a huge help! It doesn't solve the problems for us, no,....but, it does keep us from making rash decisions & hurting ourselves more (and others).

I don't think that I will ever know who I am or what I want in the future. I have struggled with that for as long as I've been alive! But, I do know a few things that I really care about. I hope to get to know a few more. People ~ well, people are just really confusing to me. It is overwhelming to even consider...my thoughts just go on and on, like numbers! It's too much.

I hope that you are understanding what I am trying to say. I get a little lost sometimes. What I am trying to say is that I understand how you're going up and down on the extremes with your wife. It is very difficult to know how you actually feel because you question everything that you think and feel in between the bursts of emotion.