Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
Baker, I just wanted to let you know again how much I support you. If not this month, then when?? I was telling my t, how stupid could I have been, that one of my closest friends would have gotten pregnant when we were teens, and my mother succeeded in keeping that info away from me? For twenty years or more? THAT is manipulation. First she bothered me into being friends with this girl, then she made me drop her, and never explained why, and I just followed blindly. Unquestioningly. All because she just scared the heck out of me. I just wanted to be good too. But what is underneath wanting to be a good person? I had to be away from my mother for a couple of years before I even realized how frightened I was of her. I think she scared me when I was very small. Maybe to make me stop crying. Or just be quiet. You don't have to prove you are a good person - right now, that's like a false motivation. You just hope it will save you from some unknown punishment, like a magic spell. But all it does is keep you unconscious, unaware, unable to face the facts. You have your new family on your side - your new army!   |
After reading about how your mom kept you away from your friend and you had followed in fear, I started to think back to other things my mom did. She was so controlling and made sure she got her way.
My mom too, took me away from a few friends when I was young, and I allowed it. I guess I was afraid of the consequences or just her. I'm thinking maybe that's why today in my life I don't have trusting friendships with anyone.
I remember her telling me about certain people and how I need to stay away and that they weren't allowed to call me anymore, and I was forbidden to talk o hem. I also remember not being able to sleep over at a girlfriends house really ever. My mom was always afraid that something bad was going to happen. I became so much like this that even as I got older I decided when invited to girls sleepovers that I didn't want to go. My mom and I had elaborate plans of me going to the party and pretending I was going to sleepover then she would call and say I had to come ome because we were going to pick up my grandmother in the city unexpectedly. Always excuses. Maybe that's why today I'm full of them when I don't want to do something. My husband always says tell the truth, our better off, stop with these excuses.
I remember one time probably about 8 maybe 9 years ago my mom had a dentists appointment she didn't want to go to. If she didn't go and didn't cancel it this office charged her for the visit. She actually started crying begging me to help her cancel it for her because she was afraid to do it. Do you know that I was like that too. I mean I handle my affairs on my own now, and I'm honest about things where I wasn't always, maybe because I learned from my husband to grow up so to speak but I used to always rely on her to make excuses or me if I didn't want to do something. What a waste of life.
I was always a nervous child. Always afraid of my own shadow. Still to this day I am a wreck about everything. So afraid of what could happen. When I was just a young child I remember crying in bed at night thinking about if my parents ever died. This went on for years.
I really feel like I'm just an absolute emotional mess and I really don't know what to do with myself. I just feel angry and hurt but mostly guilt. I feel so weak and messed up.