Hi Rainbow,

I can't find the quote, but what struck me in this thread was your statement about how you realize that nobody can really be there for you in the way you want (and the grief about that).

I think there's a piece in that grief-- and grief is such a butt-kicker and I think at the center of the resolution of most neglect and abuse in childhood-- that's about building up yourself and connecting with that part of yourself that can "do it yourself", not as substitute for other people meeting your needs, but because that part of ourselves (I think a child part) needs to be developed too.

What I mean is that kids both want to be nurtured by others and they want to "do it myself." I recall some of the bittersweet moments from my son's toddlerhood, when he was so proud to be able to "do it m'self", like putting on socks, and shoes. At almost 12 now, I am more attuned to asking him if he would like help or he would like me to get X for him, because he still likes to have me do things for him that he is perfectly capable of doing, that's partly how he feels cared for, but also giving him space and not suggesting that he can't do these things by himself. He needs both his independence and his nurturance.

I don't think it's any different when we're adults. Our child parts need to be nurtured and they need to develop a sense of mastery about what they can do for themselves-- the things that bring them joy, fulfillment, peace, etc. I suppose this isn't any different from those adult parts as well.

I guess I have felt that my child part(s) are not just limited to what I would identify as "needy" of the love and attention from others, but they are also part of my drive to do the things I love and that bring me joy-- being in nature, doing artsy things, writing, hanging with my dog, etc. As I have built up this part of myself, I feel like I need *less* from other people-- not in a "screw you, I can do it myself", but just that I don't need a specific thing in a specific way. Somewhat paradoxically, I am both better at asking for what I need and I find what people offer me (when I can accept it, which isn't all the time) more satisfying.

For me, the other side of grief is developing what wasn't able to flourish as long as I was holding onto wishing it was different or feeling a deep sense of loss for what I never had. Grief has been an opportunity to look for and nourish those parts of myself that were sidelined. As I've continued to build myself up, the grief has given way to peacefulness and satisfaction.