Trigger warning.....

May 2009 was hard. Impossibly hard. All previous actions and choices led to a horrible situation.
I was 20 years old. I had been abused physically emotionally and sexually by many people from age 3 to that time. My brother 3 years younger than me was tired of his friends making fun of him for being a virgin. He decided to rape me at knife point several times the month of his birthday (March). I hated myself for letting him. I still hate myself for that, but I froze I flashbacked to the other horrible things that happened to me. I cut and I took pills more than normal to deal with it. Well the beginning of April came along. I noticed a change no monthly mother nature visit. Didn't think a lot about it the stress of my home life caused it to change some. Mid April came and I noticed I felt sick if I didn't eat within an hour of being awake. Something was wrong I still didn't start my period. I freaked out. I didn't have a HF and the only person who had sex with me since my last cycle was my brother. Was this an evil trick my body was playing on me? Before work one day during the 20 somethings of April I went and got a pregnancy test. I didn't have to pee at the time so I waited. I took it on MT lunch. It was positive. I lost it. Cut deeper than normal. It helped I focused on the pain I focused on the blood to ground because I couldn't be emotional at work. I Dr.ed my cut went back to work numb and just walked through the motions. What else could I do. My morals told me abortion was wrong, but I'd always said rape was an exception. I wanted desperately to protect my child from harm in the same breath though. It took me two weeks to decide to have the abortion. I called set up an initial appt. They had to explain the risks find out how far along I was and if I could have an abortion legally. The cutoff is 12 weeks where I am. They did an ultrasound. I was 10 weeks and 3 days on 5/19/09. I started freaking out more. How soon could I get this done I needed to request off work. I scheduled to have the abortion on 5/22/09 requested off work for an emergency (30 days notice for non emergencies). I couldn't wait that long. Only 1 person knew about this and that was the old man who I was practically living with to avoid home after I found out I was pregnant. He was old enough to be my dad and was my boss at the time and I had sex with him to keep a place to live. Otherwise I'd have been dead or on the streets. I had the abortion on the 22nd went to back to work the 23rd with weight restrictions and authorization to sit as needed and wear non uniform pants. I never told my therapist at the time about it no family knows about it. My partner knows and I worked with a Christian counselor to deal with it but I think I just went through the motions. I told a few people outside of those but no one knows the sorrow. This and the thoughts that go along with it feed my self hatred and self image problems. I was already fed up in the head before this though. All choices and actions lead to this..... I need to focus on something else now. Going to try to be social and keep busy and active to prevent my suicidal thoughts from resurfacing for the 3rd time in a week.