i'm finally starting to feel attached to my t.
:-)
it has taken a while... maybe six months... longer sessions are helping. i also had a bit of a spin out a couple weeks back. she was really very terrific. let me curl up on her couch while we waited for the crisis assessment team. i was kinda dozing in and out of consciousness for a couple hours... i could hear her tap tap tapping on her keyboard. that was kinda soothing. i have trouble with attachment irl. i say things on the net that i would never in one million years say irl. there was something i had been trying to tell her for a couple weeks now. she looked like... she didn't really seem so interested in hearing me talk about it. so i only told her bits and then i'd kind of taper off and she would change the topic. today i told her more. and she listened. and then... i felt kinda hazy and started really sobbing and stuff. i think that today was the first time she realised how really very important that topic was to me. i've been trying to bring it up because it really was very important. i guess she mistook it for another one of my diversions... i do have trouble getting to the heart of what is bugging me sometimes.

we talked about attachment. i said i have a pattern with attachment where i can only seem to attach to people who are going to hurt me. or leave me. or who are... far away from me (hence the internet). and i said it was a recurrent pattern in my life. and about how distressed i get with that sometimes. about how you long for someone to be closer and then when they are closer then you freak out about their being so close. well... i do. and so we talked about that. and it was good.

it was good.

:-)