I know you said the above, but I really do think you need to see a therapist. You're clearly not coping very well, forgive me for saying, and remembering so many things that have happened. While this can be useful to put your emotions and guilt into perspective, I think you need someone to help you out with coping with everything that has happened to you. Surely your husband would like to see you a happier person and not begrudge you this? I would think that it is essential for you to go, and I would risk a big fight anyway. You should be concentrating on your health and your baby and not your mum, sorry.