H3rmit: I like the analogy about trying to find the keys. This fixation on pharmaceutical solutions to human difficulty really alienates me. I can't tell you how many times it's been said to me that, "It sounds like your medications need adjusting." It tends to be a person who knows next to nothing about me who will be quickest to say that.

I figured out, early in life, that I would have to push myself way out of my comfort zone to participate in life. I took responsibility for doing that, and I did it plenty. Facing down fear is a stressful way to live. That stress takes a toll. A fearful mindset, once formed, can stay with you no matter what you do. Sometimes, I think that being socially avoidant is a form of PTSD. I don't think you can get cured of it.

Going to therapy was hugely disappointing for me. The idea that what I really need to do is work harder at analyzing myself and my life is something that I am coming to reject. The more I think about things, the more I find to criticize in myself, and the worse I feel. I get to thinking that I am doing a good job of identifying bad attitudes and changing them. The real result seems to be that I am advancing further into self-loathing. It is a nightmare.

I guess - like the song said - "What the world needs, now, is Love." We bloom from being well-loved. Absent that, we wither. I grew up in an environment of very harsh criticism. I learned to be harshly critical of myself, and others. Going around being critical of everything and everybody is not a recipe for making friends. I know that now. It has become such a reflex, though, that - well - I do it reflexively. I try to be mindful of this, but no one can totally control an ingrained personality trait.

Bad (maladaptive/dysfunctional) personality traits that are sufficiently crippling add up to personality disorder. That's what I have IMO. It causes my life to be unhappy and, so, I am depressed. Anti-convulsant medication (or anti-psychotic, or anti-depressive) isn't going to fix that.

Being told by my doctor that I have a disordered personality makes me feel more hopeless. I don't know why he even brought that up. It's like having a plastic surgeon tell me that I'm ugly.

Yes, h3rmit, I think doctors do get real condescending and look down on people. I feel like my doctor is saying to me, "Look at you. You're a mess." I feel like therapists have said that to me. I already know that. No one has to tell me. Life has told me.

My doctor said, "I know you're demoralized." I felt like I could hear him continuing silently, "and you've got plenty to be demoralized about. Look at you. You're a mess."