Can we rationalize this a bit? Are you saying you took benzos after quitting them? And a little wine too maybe?

If so... you're prescribed this med, it's not like you're committing some crime and getting it off the streets (I hope). There's a good reason you're prescribed it. Good for you feeling stable enough for 3 months to not take it.

I relapsed with smoking cigarettes - I'm terribly embarrassed. But you wouldn't let me think I'm an entire failure just for that right? Look at all the times I successfully quit, and I will quit again, just maybe not today.

You're not a failure. You're a smart lady and possibly a perfectionist (not always a bad thing unless it turns inward and we beat ourself up).

You're human, we mess up. Take a rest, you sound exhausted and needing rest. It will pass. Talk to T as you need. If you're feeling a little better today, that's a very good thing. Hang in there