Well... I've had an epiphany of sorts. I've been thinking about this on-&-off for a long time. But more so recently. Then, this morning, for some reason, it seems to have solidified in my mind. I surrender... no more fighting it. Just give me the drugs.

I guess this started most recently at my last app't with my pdoc. I was telling him that my emotions & anxiety had been up & down recently. So he decided to add a prescription for Lamictal in addition to the Cymbalta I've been taking right along. In the past, I've resisted adding a 2nd med. But I recently quit my therapist. So I have some additional money available that was going to pay her & so I decided to go ahead & start the new med.

At my appointment, my pdoc also gave me some info on DBT groups that his group runs. I didn't call immediately, deciding instead to think about it. I have transportation problems & so getting to one of these groups would be difficult. Plus, I've participated in similar sorts of things in the past. So, I came to the conclusion that pursuing this was probably just a waste of time & money. In the end nothing will be any different.

So, as a result, I've just decided to surrender to the psych med's. I'm almost 65 years old. I've struggled with mental health issues my whole life. I've been self-abusive & made 2 serious suicide attempts, the latest one just over a year ago. What would cause me to think that another "class" or more therapy is going to make any serious difference? It won't. All it will do is to soak up more money.

So give me the drugs! I'll just take whatever my pdoc wants to prescribe... the more the merrier! Does that sound defeatist? Maybe it is. Or maybe it's just being realistic. Under any circumstances, it's the decision I've made.