Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I figured out, early in life, that I would have to push myself way out of my comfort zone to participate in life. I took responsibility for doing that, and I did it plenty. Facing down fear is a stressful way to live. That stress takes a toll. A fearful mindset, once formed, can stay with you no matter what you do. Sometimes, I think that being socially avoidant is a form of PTSD. I don't think you can get cured of it.
Going to therapy was hugely disappointing for me. The idea that what I really need to do is work harder at analyzing myself and my life is something that I am coming to reject. The more I think about things, the more I find to criticize in myself, and the worse I feel. I get to thinking that I am doing a good job of identifying bad attitudes and changing them. The real result seems to be that I am advancing further into self-loathing. It is a nightmare.
I guess - like the song said - "What the world needs, now, is Love." We bloom from being well-loved. Absent that, we wither. I grew up in an environment of very harsh criticism. I learned to be harshly critical of myself, and others. Going around being critical of everything and everybody is not a recipe for making friends. I know that now. It has become such a reflex, though, that - well - I do it reflexively. I try to be mindful of this, but no one can totally control an ingrained personality trait.
Bad (maladaptive/dysfunctional) personality traits that are sufficiently crippling add up to personality disorder. That's what I have IMO. It causes my life to be unhappy and, so, I am depressed. Anti-convulsant medication (or anti-psychotic, or anti-depressive) isn't going to fix that.
Being told by my doctor that I have a disordered personality makes me feel more hopeless. I don't know why he even brought that up. It's like having a plastic surgeon tell me that I'm ugly.
Yes, h3rmit, I think doctors do get real condescending and look down on people. I feel like my doctor is saying to me, "Look at you. You're a mess." I feel like therapists have said that to me. I already know that. No one has to tell me. Life has told me.
My doctor said, "I know you're demoralized." I felt like I could hear him continuing silently, "and you've got plenty to be demoralized about. Look at you. You're a mess."
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Hi Rose - hope it's okay if I shorten that and leave off the number -
I can relate to the core of what you are saying. Then the part about worrying what they think and fearing the judgments is something I have worked hard to get rid of, hence getting rid of most of the anxiety about people. Not that I could work 8 hours a day with them any more - when I taught, I learned a lot, but I also learned being around people all the time isn't for me. I don't fear the judgments because I accept some people will judge. I can deal with it when they bring it into the explicit context. So I am freed from that energy cycle. Now, when it's a matter of someone with power of me, such as a doctor or boss or clique, then it's more burdensome - at that point I get concerned about the potential impacts of their actions that result from their judgments! Even so, I try not to worry, try to compartmentalize. I procrastinate about worrying. I'll do it later. My husband worries enough for a whole clan, never mind the two of us. When I think of past judgments by doctors, I could get very angry. Instead I try to solve most things without doctors; and as you say, therapists have not helped.
Life is overwhelming and sometimes I just want to withdraw, rage, and cry. It seems like you might have been near that state when posting.
The one thing people kept telling me in the first 20-30 years of my life was I'm being too hard on myself. Sounds like your self-critical voice has a strong hold on you, which is painful. If only you could reject that and the fear. I still have a strong 2-year-old in me, ie I love a defiant, "NO!!" It helps to be able to shout down things that aren't working and make space for something new. When I had a stupid crush on a man a long time ago, I literally yelled STOP and GET OUT OF MY MIND. It helped. YMMV.
I see that you feel you cannot change, and that may be true, and it might turn out to be true that no matter how hard you tried, you could not change. I doubt I could desensitize my senses of smell, hearing, and visual perception, without some drugs or surgery, and I don't want to go there. I don't want to change those things, even though they cause me trouble sometimes. I want to be my natural self, as far as senses go. My choice. No one can force you to keep trying. You have to choose what is workable and liveable for you. I keep soldiering on trying to solve problems. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it and often I have wanted to end my life. So be it. My point is that people are different and live their own lives.
People are not perfect, neither ourselves nor others. I find buddhist philosophy helpful in getting an understanding of different ways of thinking reflectively rather than reflexively - ie pondering rather than reacting. I was raised Catholic, and while the Jesuits are part of a great intellectual tradition, my family was stuck in simple-minded judgments and ideas of guilt which led to shame. Shame is in excess, not balanced. In buddhist philosophy, balance and the middle way help avoid excesses. Also, it has a toolbox of practices which can be used to develop balance. I have found it helpful. YMMV, of course. I have found I enjoyed developing my intellectual mind as well, which helps with balancing and integrating emotional mind. Again, it's reflective rather than reflexive. Very nice to escape those automatic reactions.
I feel your intense pain. I'm a bit afraid to post this, because you may not want to hear what worked for me and how I understand things. I would like you to feel heard, but that is your call.