******RAPE ****** TRIGGER****** DO NOT PROCEED******

I have been working on overcoming my aversion to touch. I am having an incredabibly hard time. I can't seem to get over this last hump. I have no desire to touch my husband. HE touches me and I freeze. I don't know what to do. It sounds easy just touch or hug back. But all I can do is freeze.It is putting a strain on our relationship. I have put part of one of my other stories here as a way of breaking the silence. It has helped very much. I can't explain how it has helped it is odd just sharing my story. It is like I am giving part of it away and don't have to carry it all alone anymore. I hope you all don't mind me venting. I am just so confused about things. It pains me even more now to know that it is hurting my husband when I am not affectionate towards him. I don't return the hugs or anything. I don't know where to start or how so bare with me please.

I used to work on a horse farm. I wanted to show my boyfriend the place I worked. We were renovating. New stalls were being built. We ended up in a stall. I remember it had no roof and smelled like pine and had fresh sawdust. It smelled so good. When we were in the stall he wanted to take my shirt off. I protested more than normal. It didn’t do any good. I had on shorts and a shirt. I ended up shirtless and braless. He has me stand up in front of him so he could just look at me. He touched me and felt of me. I felt so defenseless. I felt like an object, something to look at and touch. I couldn’t scream. I didn’t want anyone to find me this way. It did no good to try to make him stop. So I just stood there and let him touch me. My mind DEFINITELY went somewhere else. He touched my breasts and I didn’t like it. I hated it. I stood w/ my hands to my side as he felt of me. He didn’t get the reaction he wanted and went behind me so I had my back against him. His goal was to bring me back from where I was mentally. I was not enjoying it like he was. It was harder indeed to remain mentally gone especially when I couldn’t see him. But I did and eventually he stopped. But that was not the end.

Caution turn back now if you don't want to know what happened.



He took a bucket and had me put a leg up on it. I had on shorts mind you. So he finally had access to what he really wanted. He took his fingers and put them in my shorts and touched my private parts. He got no reaction. He took his fingers and put them inside of me. I didn’t like it. I hated it. I felt even more used than normal. I had no feeling of enjoyment that I know of and my body didn’t respond w/ pleasure. I know I was so mentally gone. He could have done so much more to me, think God he didn’t. In anger we left the barn and he badgered me all afternoon. We went out for the evening, I should have never gotten in the truck with him. After much begging and pleading and not taking me home He got what he wanted. He always did. I always fall for this, I know what will happen and I go with him anyway. He would not take me home and I would be the one in trouble if I didn;t get home on time. He made me do oral. We were in the truck and he pushed my head down on to him and made me do it. I hated it. I hated him, but when it was over he always made me feel like I was loved. All I ever wanted was to be wanted and loved.

My main goal in life now that I have had the courage to tell my H this is to get over this and learn to be normal again. I don't think I can. I have been doing EMDR. I don't know if it is working or not. It sounds a little crazy but I guess I have nothing to lose at this point really.

I told my H what happened after 18 years. He had no idea why I don't do some things. But he has a hard time grasping why I do not like him to touch me. Anytime he approaches me I stand w/ my hands in front of my chest blocking him. Usually he just wants as hug. It hurts to know that what someone did to me is hurting my husband. He has become the victim of something that someone did to me. My H was not even in the picture and he is having to pay the price. It is not fair to me or him.

I don't know what kind of responce I am looking for. My frustration levels are very high and I hope this will lessen the stress a bit. Thank you for listening.