I can see why you don't like to be touched. I have read some stuff and I think it is a common theme to not feel good about yourself and to not want to be touched and reminded of what happened. What he did to you took away your value as a person. He took advantage of you and used your kind nature and niaveity to make you things you didn't want, and then force when you couldn't get you to do what he wanted you to do. I am sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened.

Yes he took advantage of you and maybe you should have stood back, but I think some part of you just wanted to feel loved. You wanted to be cared about nurtured. I wish you could have received this at such a young age, and I can imagine the lifelong repercussions from his abuse. He made you feel powerless and took away your fundamental right to say no, I don't want this to happen. He used your love for him against you and I hope you find a way to be at peace with what he did.

My only thought is try to find the strength in yourself. You are not that scared little girl you was when you were with that guy. You have the right to chose what you do, and the power to say no. I know your first response is to shut down when you feel that danger again, and dissociate. It is a way to cope, and I bet your mind still goes back to that place because you don't feel safe or in control. If you don't feel like you are there and your mind goes to a different place, terrible things are a lot easier to cope with.

Despite your problems with your husband, it sounds like a part of him loves and cares for you. Maybe if you took the lead, and initiated the contact it would be easier. Maybe if you have a word, to stop things, you will regain a sense of control that your old bf took with him. This is a common thing me and my wife do, although it is under much different circumstance, but it may give you a sense of control. I think the key is to feel safe and nurtured. Which I can imagine is a tall task for someone you have had so many problems with for a long time. He went to marriage counseling and he has made some effort to treat you better, so I think there is hope.

You are a strong woman, and I have faith you will make progress. It doesn't happen overnight, but try to make small steps. Maybe when he does something nice, or is being kind to you try holding hands. Try to not let your mind turn things off. Try to focus on how it physically feels. Are his hands, cold, hot. Are they soft or hard and calloused. I think every small step is progress. I hope you can heal from what happened so long ago to you. You deserve to feel safe and in control.