Do you ever feel like there in never a dull moment, or rather when something bad or negative happens things just seem to get worse from there? Since my husband and mom had that argument over a month ago, everything seemed to have gotten worse in our lives. I mean I sort of feel guilty about complaining and feeling bad about things, because I know deep down it could be worse. I always try and cope with everything by saying it all really could be a lot worse then what it is. I'm kind of exhausted from it all.
Since my relationship is sour with my mom, I've had arguments with my husband, my health concerns have gotten worse, there have been financial issues that we are dealing with that became worse so naturally we are stressed to the max about it, our new car that we got stuck in last week is damaged beyond repair so that's a goner, my son has been giving me a really bad attitude lately and I don't know how to handle him without sounding like my mother, my medical bills are piling up, I can't deal with cleaning up our home because it takes me forever to do simple tasks so I'm sick of looking at the laundry piling up, dishes, dishwasher, vacuuming, dusting, ironing, you name it. I get help from my husband but he really has a lot on his mind and is constantly working even when he comes home. So I really don't want to push him too much. I ask my son for help and he does things but very reluctantly.
I just feel like the world is crumbling down, and everyday there is a new surprise for us. I know I should feel grateful because my children are healthy and that this new baby seems to be developing the way it should, but in my mind I feel sick.
I have been trying to let go of the anger and mental pain I have from my mother. I just can't help but think about the bad. It's driving me insane thinking about what I know is going through her mind right now because she is so stubborn. I can't believe that I have a mother like this. Whenninwas growing up my mother was so vain. I mean she showed it too. Luckily It didn't rub off on me, as it did with my brother, but even when my dad who owned a company for years and unfortunately lost it all when I was about 14, she wanted to make sure no one knew about it, family, friends, the neighbors.. She didn't want anyone to see that they lost a lot of money. My dad made sure to get a job right away, (my father never went a day without providing for us) and my mother never wanted to tell me about where he was working in fear that I would slip up and tell someone. My brother knew but I guess it was because he is older than me and could be trusted. It was almost like my mother was embarrassed by it. Good grief, I look back on everything now and I'm so proud of my father. He grew up poor, made something of his life took care of his family married took care of us, gave us a wonderful upbringing in a beautiful safe neighborhood and worked hard. When that time occurred for him I know he must have been depressed to lose it all. We eventually moved but it took a few years but it was a strain on him. How could my mom be so unsupportive? I mean I would want my children to know what a wonderful father they had and how we need to come together for him In times like that.
I know it was hard on her, and I know that she explained to me that things were not going to be the same and that she couldn't give me money for things and not to ask my dad. I actually never asked for money or for anything ever. I was never that type of kid. I remember always feeling guilty if I wanted something. Yeah sure I had things that a lot of my friends didn't have but I never showed it off. I would always keep things secret because I never wanted to hurt my friends feelings.
My brother on the other hand, always had to have the fancy cars, clothes, watches, you name it. Even as he got older, the fancy ties. I never cared about it. I guess sometimes I feel like I don't belong in my family. If I didn't look exactly like my dad I'm sure I would believe I was adopted, the way my brother always tried to convince me I was.
Mother's Day is this weekend. I will wrap the present for my mom that I ordered online and give it to my dad probably Friday with a card. I'm just going to sign our names in it and that's it. I really don't know what to say. I don't know if she will accept it, but I'm going to try. I don't know what else to do. I know it wouldn't be right to ignore the day. I just don't know what else to do. I don't tank I could go over there because I'm afraid of the way she will treat us, and actually I don't know if my husband would actually want to go. I would need him there because ultimately I know that this comes down to both of them making things right. If I just went she would say bad things and break apart my husband and probably tell me she neve wants to see him again. I can't cope with that right now.
I had a dream the other night where I just had the baby and everything was ok, I was fine and the baby was healthy and I was just looking at the baby when my mom walked in and hugged us and everything seemed wonderful for a few minutes then I woke up. I had such a good feeling for those few minutes in my dream, I felt like for the first time in months I could breathe fresh air, and I didn't have any pain. When I woke up it all hit me again.