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I always asked God for my feeling more normal, or at least make the fears go away.
It never happened and I felt like I wasn't good enough for God to take care of me.

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I can relate to that. I blamed God for most of my life's misfortunes.

I have been learning about the "real" God of my upbringing and not the one designed by the church to "terrorize" me into belief of Him.

Then one day it dawned on me. Even though I totally rejected the religion and the God of my youth, maybe He didn't totally reject me. After all, out of all the situations that I have come out of relatively unscathed, it kinda makes me wonder that He already knew I'd be back, and was really taking care of me behind the scenes, so to speak. Well, of course He knew that! I also believe He also knows how much of a pain I am, and in pain I am, but I'm okay with that to a certain extent. (This one always shifts back and forth)

I'm just not okay with it for myself, and therein lies most of my problems. Not really able to forgive myself or feeling worthy enough, even to exist.

AND since this is religious conversation, the opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and in no way represent the views of anyone else. (being cheeky here)!


AS