I got to my session and could hardly look at my T at all. She looked too good to me. I was so embarrassed to talk about the googling and how I had a miserable week. I can write it all out here, but I froze in my session. She had me think about the lake in order to relax and I still had trouble.

She told me that googling her isn't good for me; it is addictive and makes me feel worse. She knows me by now, and she's right. I also told her I got upset with the information. Some is wrong, anyway. She doesn't live where I thought; she lives near the office. Her name is uncommon; it doesn't make sense that it was someone else, but I know the internet makes mistakes!

I told her I was doing it because of not being able to accept that she can't be that person for me. Then I showed her my picture but she didn't want to discuss that either. I was still flustered so I didn't care about anything. We almost got into an argument about nail polish when I told her I was glad she wasn't wearing any because it makes me feel inferior and maybe I don't want to see her anymore. She said "you have a choice to see me, you know". I nearly exploded because I didn't want to hear that. She said sometimes I'm challenging, so I told her I had wanted her to say "I understand" or something about feeling inferior. I said I didn't mean I didn't want her for my T! Oh, well. About that.

I told her about holding her hand felt like Mommy and baby. That's when she asked if I would do perinatal SE I think it's called. I had to close my eyes and imagine myself inside my mother's womb, and think about how she and my father were excited about having me. I said I will do it if it's going to make me stop wanting her to be "that person". She said it will. I had to think about how good that would have felt. We did that for about 20 minutes, with her talking me through it. At some point, when she asked how I felt I hesitated and then said "it's weird, but this feels as good as holding your hand!" She clapped her hands and said "Yes! It's not weird and everyone in her SE class did it, and she felt good when she did it, too.

I said I wanted to be that baby again.

She said this will help me but it takes time. Honestly, this is the first time I've had hope about the SE. I was feeling so bad during the whole session, and then we did this, and a peek of light came through!

Before I left, she wanted me to try to promise not to google her. She said that she wants me to be happy in my life during the week, and not be upset about hers. I said it seems like I don't know her and she's changed, but she contradicted me about that.

So, I have to give up looking at her new photo that I love. I even told her that, and she suggested putting a photo of me that I like on the screen, or on my fridge. I don't know. I'd rather look at her, but I am going to try.

One day at a time. I think she wishes she could come and disconnect my computer altogether! I will post somewhere every day about my progress. For a long time I didn't google her or I just looked at her website. It's going to be hard because she's right; it's an addiction. How can I be strong and stop?