I think you google T because you want to feel connected to her? I'm glad the SE was helpful for you, and I'm wondering if you can use that kind of approach to help you between sessions? That good feeling you get when T holds your hand, the good feeling you felt when imagining yourself in the womb and how excited your parents must have been waiting for you to arrive...? Can you try to hold on to that feeling?

I know you used to love T emailing you in between sessions and how it helped you feel connected, and I can relate to that. My T still emails me but not always often, and there were stages when we were going through rupture where it was like she cut me off. I used to read her emails over and over, her words a comfort to me, helping me hold on to the connection. When I wasn't getting that anymore, one thing I found helped me cope was imagining/replaying the feeling of T hugging me. It seems to have become something of a coping technique Might sound silly but I hug my teddy bear and try to remember the warm fuzzies I have felt with T. It does actually seem to work?! Do you think thinking of your T holding your hand or hugging you and remembering/feeling those feelings might be of comfort and give you the feeling of connection you're after?

You're searching for connection with T via google, but you're not getting it - I think maybe that's why you get upset? All you find are ways you're not connected, ie, her private life, which you are not a part of.



Eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the issue is getting you to internalise that love, that caring, instead of always searching for a way to fulfil it through external means? I feel like that is/has been something of an issue for me. Some kind of object constancy/attachment issue.