I also think it's an issue of seeking a connection, but not really getting one -- that's probably why it's making you so miserable. It's very frustrating but I think it's a good thing that you want to find a way to stop doing it, because doing it is making you unhappy.

There are a couple things that make me feel connected to T when I'm not around him. I love to dance by myself when no one's around, so sometimes I'll put on a song that makes me think of him and dance to it. Or I'll doodle a little with him in mind, and maybe show the result to him later.

Another thing I started doing a while back, that I haven't done in a while now, is write about sessions afterward. This is when I was in really intense psychoanalysis, and it helped me think about and understand my sessions more deeply.

Sometimes, when I needed to feel a connection, I would go back and read what I'd written about a particularly good session. There was one in particular I read over and over again when I needed to feel like things were ok between him and me. It helped me hang on to some of the more helpful things he said, and to remind me of the good feelings I had had. It was good to remind myself at times that that would always be there when I went back, even after really rough patches. And it helped I think in part because they were his words (as best I remembered them to transcribe later) and my words, and it was stuff about OUR connection. Not frustrating myself by trying to know more about him in ways that I am unlikely to ever actually know him. Feeling like the relationship we have now is good enough.