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I mean I understand I have to be different otherwise I am putting myself in a bad controlling situation again, but how?
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This is a spot where a T would be helpful.
But if a T isn't possible, you can consider planning for yourself (perhaps with input and support from people here).
You are asking about how to change your behavior. You might want to learn a bit about behavior therapy. Here is a basic introduction:
About Behavior Therapy | Psych Central
Behavioral Therapy
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And if I can make these adjustments will it last, or will I end up exactly the way I was?
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It is possible to make adjustments that will last, but it takes time, patience, and persistence. Start with whatever seems easiest to change, reward yourself when you handle something well, take the time to see that the initial change(s) you are working on are pretty solidly in place, and go from there. Expect that there will be setbacks and don't beat yourself up over them or let them make you waver. Just carry on and try again.
You can do it! This part of life can be better for you and for your family.