Do you have any pictures of yourself or you and your mother (who if I remember correctly - you were close to) when you were a baby with your mother holding you?

Every time you feel the urge to google her you need to tell yourself that it only serves to undermine the real therapeutic relationship- googling hurts you and your therapy.

I also think it could help to remember that googling the therapist is not hurting her any. It is hurting you a lot though it seems. I say this in an effort to encourage you not to turn any slips in resolve into guilt that relates to having done something to the therapist herself.

Oh Rainbow this is so hard. I can feel your frustration. It is an addiction, therapy is an addiction but only if we let it.
Maybe you can try look at it from a different angle, you know looking up t is bad for you and it hurts you and if you knew that a piece of fruit had gone bad would you still eat it anyway? Try to be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy and not so frustrated.
I can see how you think you don't know your t anymore. She knows everything about you but yet she is getting a divorce and her life is changing, you are afraid she is changing, maybe? This would worry me too Rainbow!
But I am sure t can still be the same t you love.
How about when you feel the urge to google t wrote down those feelings and urges that make you want to google her. Look at them closely and try understand them, is some part of you jealous of your t and her life?
Every time you get the urge to google and you resist the impulse reward yourself with something you love. It's hard and I can so relate to your post , I just wish it was easier for you!

I think you google T because you want to feel connected to her? I'm glad the SE was helpful for you, and I'm wondering if you can use that kind of approach to help you between sessions? That good feeling you get when T holds your hand, the good feeling you felt when imagining yourself in the womb and how excited your parents must have been waiting for you to arrive...? Can you try to hold on to that feeling? I wish I could hold onto that feeling because T won't hold my hand anymore. We're going to do more of this same work next session and probably for awhile, since we both think it helped me.

I know you used to love T emailing you in between sessions and how it helped you feel connected, and I can relate to that. My T still emails me but not always often, and there were stages when we were going through rupture where it was like she cut me off. I used to read her emails over and over, her words a comfort to me, helping me hold on to the connection. When I wasn't getting that anymore, one thing I found helped me cope was imagining/replaying the feeling of T hugging me. It seems to have become something of a coping technique Might sound silly but I hug my teddy bear and try to remember the warm fuzzies I have felt with T. It does actually seem to work?! Do you think thinking of your T holding your hand or hugging you and remembering/feeling those feelings might be of comfort and give you the feeling of connection you're after?
Sometimes I do that already. I can hold onto remembering the connection with her. I have a lot of things she gave me. Well, not a lot, but enough, plus her old emails. I'm okay until I start thinking about her life outside of my therapy with her.
You're searching for connection with T via google, but you're not getting it - I think maybe that's why you get upset? All you find are ways you're not connected, ie, her private life, which you are not a part of.
Yes! exactly!!! That's it. I google to feel more connected but instead see ways I'm not connected and that depresses me.


Eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the issue is getting you to internalise that love, that caring, instead of always searching for a way to fulfil it through external means? I feel like that is/has been something of an issue for me. Some kind of object constancy/attachment issue.

Aaaaa so what. I googled mine to death for 7 months and got a picture of him also. It helped to ease the painful transference. It will ease up on its own when you get better. Also it is confusing to have a relationship that is only one sided so it is normal to try and balance it out by gaining some information.