This month would be five years we've been married.

And I'm not completely sure I want him back. A huge part of me does. Another part says it's just my loneliness and being so used to him that I want that familiarity back.

The part that wants him back says when I was with him was the only time I was really genuinely happy, the only time I felt like I had a real partner and someone who would protect and defend me no matter what... even if we fought a lot.

I'm not sure what his feelings on us are to be honest. He has called and said he misses me and that this sucks. He tells me he loves me and that he will always love me. But I'm not sure that means he wants to get back together and try again.

I want him to want me back. I want him to be miserable without me. Is that bad of me? I always said I wanted him to be happy but deep down I don't think I would deal well with him being happy without me.

Right now I"m trying not to say too much of this to him because i'm not sure how he would respond and I think it would be too much to hear him say no. So i'm just trying to deal with my own emotions on my own for now.