Hello PAYNE1,

I know very well that I destroy myself with my behaviour. I reject myself, I guess subconsciously I want to punish myself as I dont like me. I tried to change this, not only one time and not only for a short period. But everything I try does not work. I find myself again in the same situation. I decided to communicate in this forum as I want to face this problem and talking to others with similar experiences in an anonimous space might help me... somehow... as I can be completely honest without "losing face" what is not that easy with a therapist. Nevertheless I registered for a therapy place (for another reason) and I have a waiting period of 8 months. And I really dont know if I can talk about this with a real person...