I have a meeting to go to tonight. I'm agorophobic, I have panic attacks & I develop extreme anxiety when speaking in public. So the meeting tonight involves all of the things that are typically the worst types of experiences for me. I'll be in a small room conducting a meeting with people I don't know.

One of the things I hate about this type of thing is that all day long before the meeting I have to forcibly prevent myself from allowing any negative thoughts to enter my head, either about the meeting in particular or about things in general; because these types of thoughts tend to add to my depression & anxiety level & that causes my anxiety over the meeting to escalate. In addition, I have to visualize myself as being interested & confident, neither of which is true.

I can do this (suppress all negative thoughts & imagine myself as cool, competent & confident) for one day. But it is extremely difficult. It is tiring for one thing. It makes my head hurt. And, for another, the next day, or the next few days, I'll typically be beseiged with a whole barrage of pent-up negative thoughts & feelings, like a dam that suddenly bursts & allows water to cascade downstream. But there is no choice. It has to be done now. It's too late to back out. So, do it, I will. But I don't like it. In fact I hate it! That's all. , ,