I called my pdoc today after I almost had a breakdown at work. i am freaking out on the abilify. that or i'm in a mixed episode. i haven't had such intense suicidal and SI thoughts since the last time i actually attempted suicide. I was panicked driving home because I kept wanting to drive my car into one of the cement pillars or off the bridge or something. It's almost as if something is driving me to this and i'm not really in control of myself. I can't sit still and I can't concentrate. i'm irritable and mean. I'm snapping at my students. I'm smoking a crapload - almost a pack a day, which for me since I just smoking only three cigarettes a day last week is a LOT. i don't know what else to do about these feelings though and cigarettes keep me from acting on them at least in the short term.

i had to scratch myself with a paperclip to bring myself down to earth at work. I hid in the bathroom practically the whole day. thank god my pdoc called me back within the hour. i'm glad she's a good one. i made an emergency appointment for tomorrow. i'm not sure what her plan is. she doesn't seem to think it's the abilify.

i don't want to tell her the suicidal thoughts and actions, but i have to make her understand how serious this is. i cannot live like this another week. i can't. i don't think i can control what i do. but i don't want to go inpatient and i am afraid that is what she will suggest. i don't think she can commit me but i'm not sure; i've been committed three times before and i don't know what i did any of those times to warrant it. except the last time, that i know i was just looking for a fight and i found it lol.

i just want this to be over. i was relatively stable for six years. minor to moderate depressed episodes and minor hypo episodes. what happened to me? why is this happening again? i can't live my life like this. but i have a son now. I have to.

dr told me to take my klonopin as soon as I got home so I did but it makes me pass out. i slept on the couch for an hour while my son tried to get me up to make his dinner ("hot dog! cheese!") i couldn't do it. he smacked me and I smacked him back. he's only 2 1/2. i didn't smack him hard but i don't believe in hitting my kid and i did it anyway because i was zonked on klonopin. i can't take this stuff during the day.

she suggested cutting it in half so maybe i will try that.

i hope she can help me. i can't do this.

at least i am sleeping thanks to benadryl.