I relate.
My doc said most people like us are dead or in prison. Whew!
I get the "if only's" too, but I gotta remember that I was not a "normie" and things would surely be different if only I wasn't bipolar. Gotta remember that!
Gotta believe my Lord used this to bring to the place where I am.
God will forgive you, if you seek Him......then maybe you can forgive yourself.

Blessings to you, along with a prayer.