Hi. Thank you for reading my post. I hope you are feeling really good today! I hope you are surrounded with love and affection all day and carry peace and fulfillment with you.

Recently I re-entered therapy. In the past it has not been very helpful which I attribute to many things: not a good match in therapists, I was not ready, wrong type of therapy, my tendency to quit too readily. Now I have someone I really like a lot and I think I am more ready and I really really want this to be helpful, productive, and meaningful.

I do feel like she started with an advantage over me in that she spoke with my last therapist (online, informal) and I am still getting to know her. I have not shared this thought with her and I probably should.

But it is awkward. I feel awkward, even though I love being there and I trust her as much as I ever have anyone. This last session we did guided imagery. When she asked if I felt comfortable enough to do it, I said 'No, but I am willilng to try'. It was really wonderfully relaxing and the effect lasted a while... until I did my usual 'falling apart' afterward... After sessions, within hours, I am crying uncontrollably and unable to distract or soothe myself. I am trying to get off Xanax and I resist taking it as much as possible. I don't know why this is happening and this week I was surprised that it happened because the relaxation seemed to be lasting... I didn't miss work this week like I did last week. And last week I called her when I couldn't calm down; I'd never called a therapist and I don't want to be someone who does. That is just me.. maybe it's okay to call, I don't know. We did talk and she calmed me and said maybe she needs to slow down. I thought later that maybe I need to speed up. I find it so hard to talk in there. I can (and do!.. lol) write volumes, but talking... makes it all sound so silly and immature and shameful. I have said things to her I thought I'd never say out loud and I feel good about that. Maybe I need to slow down my expectations of myself and the process too.

When I am in this 'falling apart' state and then afterwards, I feel like I am not really 'there'. I feel like I am in a fog, off in a distance... as if I am in another room although I am standing or sitting right beside the person talking to me. It is very hard to focus, to comprehend what is being said to me. I tried to recall the relaxation exercise but couldn't remember it all which further distressed me (I want to ask her if she'd make me an audio tape, but not sure if I should. Her voice seems to be an important part of the exercise) ... I got up and walked, using the grounding technnique of feeling my feet on the floor and of reminding myself where I was, the date, etc. Nothing helped..I trudged through 2 days of that this week, then was so exhausted I took the day off today.

Sorry so long. I am curious if you have or have had this 'falling apart' happen to you? If so, what did you find was helpful? Does/did it go away with time? Why does this happen?!?

Thank you SO much for anything you might be able to share. I am very grateful to you.