It is such a good question, the implicit one you're asking. What do you do when you're disappointed by your T?

I think it's a good question because disappointment, at least for me, is a key feature in ALL my relationships. Not all the time, and maybe not very often, at least with most of them. So therapy is a great place to discuss this feeling and figure out how you can not be disappointed.

I do think that disappointment is in part something we have to expect. People will always disappoint us-- they dont' have enough time for us, they don't have enough love for us, they don't have enough care for us. I also disappoint myself, and I know that I disappoint others. So part of the answer to being disappointed is to just be with it, it's part of what's going to happen.

But when you can pinpoint something specific that you're disappointed about, as you did (about the lack of advice), you can raise it as an issue to discuss. I think that if you believe that your T provides therapy like a piece of bubblegum from a quarter dispenser, you're going to be disappointed always. You are an active ingredient in the final product, and you need to communicate what you want back from her. So my advice to you is to tell her what you're disappointed about and ask her directly for advice.

My T gave me advice one time and I complained, he said, "I thought you wanted help fixing it." I told him, "I never want help fixing it. Don't give me any advice like ever."

I think that therapy begins in really important ways when we are direct with our therapists about what isn't working with them. This is an incredibly important communication skill-- learning to be direct and even confronting. Sometimes it's hard for T's (or anyone) to hear what sounds like criticism, but it is really you communicating what you need. Sometimes you have to keep hammering away at the message until they hear it. Sometimes you have to change the way you deliver the message. But I have found that being heard by my T this way also feels really healing to me, it is someone who is taking what I say and trying to do differently. He doesn't always get it right at first, sometimes I have to keep yacking at him about it, but even making the effort to try to give me what I need feels really good. It's also something that my H is really good at-- being willing to make the effort, not so much actually doing it. Hence the disappointment.