Thanks guys.

Maybe, as you suggest, just writing stuff and getting interjections from other people will be therapeutic. I think we can all probably appreciate, that given the nature of the internet we can't possibly expect to get perfect, right, or even useful comments form all people all of the time. But what we can do is check out what people say, and consider if its useful I do believe, actually, that we often need the viewpoint of others to change.

Mental disorder? Hmmm.
I haven't studied psychiatric stuff very much, but I once thought "borderline personality disorder" might fit me. But I can't emphasise this enough: the limited value of psychiatric categories. First, because those people are medicallly oriented and historically and technically, psychiatry is just an add-on - and quite a dumb one, for much of the time. Secondly, they don't differentiate between mind and emotion - they are not the same thing. So you can have a very damaged feeling-life, and i think mine is, but have an OK or even a more than OK mental life. I'm a good thinker, a good writer, stuff like that.

You know, I dont know if this is synchronistic (Carl Jung, anyone?) , important,or even relevant, but yesterday I found this nice little activity. I went out for a walk, and deliberatley looked around for thins to make me smile and feel happy. You know those moments you get with family etc, that lift your spirits and make you feel good? - the goofy smile, the embarrased laugh, the little gestures of intimacy? I found that i could see those around me in other people, complete passing strangers, and they made me smile and feel better. I don't fall asleep in the arms of a loved one; I don't wake to shared breakfast, or exhange gifts at Xmas, birthdays, or because its nice. I'm alone - completely alone. 90% of my time is solitary. But I found cute moments, or beautiful smiles in others, were feeding me a little like that kind of loving intimacy must do for people who enjoy it - and take it for granted.

I dunno....this is just me describing a small thing that made me smile and feel better. But it occurred to me i might develop it as a kind of conscious, dicsiplined thing to improve my mood.....