I'm very lonely and alienated.

The alienation is a constant for me. I came into this world feeling like I don't really belong here. But over the past few years, I've started experiencing loneliness. It's like 35+ years of isolation have finally caught up to me and now my insides are aching for some type of relationship.

Earlier this week, my psychotherapist stroked my hand as she tried to get me to relax during a relaxation exercise. It was such a nice, comforting feeling, though it didn't seem like such a big deal at the time. Now it's all I can think about.

I want to feel comfortable enough with another person so that I may be touched like that again, but I know it will never happen. Just like having a friend is never going to happen. It was a lot easier thinking about life when I didn't want these things.

I had an emergency session today. My therapist said wanting these things is a sign of progress and that now I have something to work towards. The way I see it, now I have even more reason to be miserable. There's nothing good about wanting things you can't have.