I have started writing n erased it over n over n over again... I have so many questions.. Iv been trying to figure myself out.. Obsessively for a few weeks now.. Which is nothing new I do this quite often but it seems to have taken over my life. I read n read n read n read.. But never am I able to use anything I learn to help myself. This illness has me going in nonstop circles.. I know I need help, a doctor, meds, no drugs, sleep, stability, food, but Im not able to control myself long enough to get it.. When my head is clear and not jumping from one extreme (mania) to the next (planning my death), it doesn't last long enough to make an app n actually see the doc. scheduling myself an app for a month later is pointless.. Even a week later is a huge challenge, stress, n commitment. I completely lost control 2 1/2 yrs ago when I had my first n hopefully last mixed episode.. Iv never gotten better.. I just bounce back n forth between super woman (that actually accomplishes nothing even though I'm going faster than everyone else) and planning my own death (which iv come to the conclusion I can't actually pull the trigger so it'll have to be cop assisted suicide..) I rarely have days that are "normal" I'm not even sure if I would know if I did.. I can pick out n recognize when I'm manic n depressed But can't control myself to stop it.. I'm exhausted I'm fighting a losing endless battle.. N my kids n family are paying the price.. Then there's that.. I hate who I am the guilt when I can feel it is so overwhelming I love my kids n family, they don't deserve what I put them thru.. I'm probably ruining my kids who have so much potential.. Let's face it I'm ****in their heads up as if the outside world isn't enough.. Thank god for my mom who provides both my kids n I a stable loving clean home.. If I didn't have her I wouldn't be able to be any kind of a mother n I can recognize this n i hate it but I can't ****in fix myself... I just want fixed.. I want to be free from my mind cuz I can't control it n I'm tired so so so so tired of this obsession with figuring out how to get one step ahead n not one or ten steps behind. If there's a god out there please come help me... I know I'm not crazy but I'm spending more n more time trying to convince myself and argueing with myself if maybe i have lost it n maybe I am crazy.. I just need to clear my brain. everytime i wake up i feel like I'm trying to do an impossible algebra problem only its my life n my thoughts instead of numbers n letters.